my hair is deceptive.

and im procrastinating.

Today has been alright. But my internet for some reason is really shitty at anything

Finished 08th ms team. Onto zeta gundam
Kali has managed well with much prodding from friends. I am glad you have taken steps to healing. I had no idea you were involved with Heaven or I would’ve warned you but I think we met you the next year when I cosplayed Sinbad and you were Judal.

That is fortunate. I am struggling with a lot of healing the year after that was a HIGHLY manipulated year by a girl who took great advantage of my lows and previous and at time current emotional and mental abuse that was perpetuated by my girlfriend at the time. THe abuse got worse after we broke up. SO it’s been…hard to heal. It was a really bad two years. It’s hard to heal. I truly do hope she is doing well. I still have one of my friends keep me in check because I try to be a positive and hopeful person and have had the…well what if. ANd I get the assurance that no, she is an evil bitch and always has been. (my friend has known them since middle school. And to their own mistake gave heaven her first manga volume that set this all in order)

And it all happened before we had even met for the first time. The weekend at acen she spent with Kali was the final straw for me/realization point.

——

And oh my goodness when did I unfollow you I remember who you are yes! We then met again at Anime Iowa when you were Yunan. I was still Judal.

One of my friends asked me, and rather than text it to them and struggle through phone-typos’ I’m going to type it here. So this might end up being really long so I’m going to put it under a read more. It has to do with Heaven Lea Slye

Okay so I met Heaven the summer into my Sophmore year of college at UIowa at Anime Iowa. I didn’t expect to see her again but did what I call ‘puppydogging’ and I am not proud of that. Although it pretty much just means joining a group of people at a convention since I usually get separated or separate from the group I came with, and like to hang out with people at cons. So we were both cosplaying from Durarara! it was my first full convention and I didn’t have much cosplay experience at all so it was cool to be with people. I saw her but was pretty much walked right past the next day and still had good first con experience.

I ran into her later that year at CVS on campus and then we started hanging out. We were in an Earth Sciences class together ( I had the lab separate). We were hanging out a ton. I was taking her to her classes because I knew the campus and she was just a freshman who seemed really…ditsy? In that clumsy-female-protagonist way. IT was definitely a period of me being actively engaged and involved in our friendship. I got into homestuck and we started texting in troll quirks. Mine being Tavros and her’s being Vriska [this should have been a huge giveaway to how this would play out] AT the time she was in a long distance relationship with a girl in Arizona. After learning this I backed away with romantic interests as consciously as I could. We had hung out a lot, gone out for food, driven around town, walked around, and in general were just close. The two of us.We had been getting closer I felt, and by now she said the line that kills me. That hurts me. That has hurt me. That has had me hurt. “I would totally date you if I wasn’t in this terrible long distance relationship” We were in her car. I didn’t know how to respond, but hug her and go up to my dorm.

{If you get the idea that this is me complaining that I didn’t get with her in any way you are reading this the wrong way because that is not why I am upset and damaged by this}

About partway through Autumn we were both out at night and I believe it was after a dance show we had to see for our classes. I had picked her up , carried her, and other such physical acts that weren’t directly or inherently…an act of flirtation. It was simply an expression of my affection and enjoyment of how close we were. But she made comment, so again I responded with apology and backed away. There was a down time of a few months.

2nd Semester hit and she texts me again saying we need to hang out. She picked me up and it felt like not a beat had been skipped, only I felt much more on the passive side. Like I was the one things being done to, rather than with. We still went out for dinners, hung out. Ended up getting or tattoos done at the same place and were there with each other when we got them. {If you want he essay on my tattoo its somewhere on my blog under /tattoo…she got I refuse to sink [anchor] which is hilarious because yeah anchors.} I ended up becoming this person she would call or text just to have someone there when she got something done. Hair cut: I’d go. Walk to class: Id go. Bored: Id go. Even if I had homework I’d go and do it later or with her.

 It gets fuzzier as many things repeated until Valentines Day. My friends were telling me to either shut up and stop talking about it or go for something I want. At this point she was single and had old me that line again. So I went or it. I made five valentines day cards that I gave to her throughout the day we actual spent together. Ending with dinner. She scribbled a doodle on notepad paper. [I have since posted the poems I wrote in these and they were all Homestuck themed, except one which was very direct about her scars] She then said a modified version of the line that hurt me so, ~” You are so nice I would date you.” or some rough phrasing that involved calling me nice and saying she’d date me.

the order of things gets a little mixed together as I”ve TRIED not to think about it for over two years.

Things went back t the usual hanging out, getting close. Hugging, patronizing head pats. being this Plus One.I wouldn’t speak around her. I was just…spoken to.Two of my frends finally met her and were astounded at how my usually animated self seemed shut down around her. I just didn’t function with her there.When I finally mustered up some courage to ask her out. Her response was, “I would but, it just wouldn’t work” I had been trying to get her not to move to Arizona also, but was prepared to do that distance.

My friend Diana, bless her soul, wanted to see me at ACEN and offered me a space in her room. As Heaven and her friend were my ride there I requested them to be included. A bold act to include a Plus Two. She agreed. SO we left Thursday to stop off at my house. I gave Heaven my bed, her friend the guest bed. I slept in the basement. We talked a bit more about me asking her out, and me ‘sleeping in the same bed with her’. My mom made pancakes and we left. I was dehydrated because I was stuck in the back of the car the whole trip in the sun and trying to navigate from the back. We were an hour late because she thought itd be a good idea to google maps search anime central. (Heads up: Anime Central has a location that is over an hour north of the marriot)

She was rude to Diana and the other room guests, even though she was on con-site. Made a mess of the room, sprawled her stuff everywhere. Didn’t clean up her troll makeup from the bathroom that ended up getting fined. I saw her maybe twice during the con because she was so excited to meet some friend from tumblr. So I wandered alone again wondering what the fuck happened. Thankfully the con wasn’t a complete flop, it just was an awakening to how blind I had been that ho fucked up the relationship was between Heaven and I.

We didn’t speak much on the drive back to Uiowa. I unfriended her, and deleted her from my phone. Blocked her on skype. Tried to erase all existence from her from my life. That was the last I saw of her because I thought she was moving to Arizona for school. Apparently she didn’t because I asked her not to.

I don’t know how my request factored in when I look back after that ACEN and realize how I was treated that isn’t even really dealt with in this post. It’s hard to write plainly how terrible and abused I felt. I can’t remember exactly when it happened as I actually hate myself for it. It was either after we stopped talking the first time, or the second. But I felt so guilty, so terrible. I didn’t want to be one of those guys that feels owed something. I didn’t feel owed something. I just wanted clarity. Not to have my heart pierced and pulled out of me to be played with. I didn’t want to be told she would date me, if circumstances. That doesn’t mean yes or no. Or I would but,  it wouldn’t work out.

I felt so low. So guilty and terrible that I harmed myself. A lot. Only a few people ended up seeing the healing marks. Alex Gomer was one of them. And he might have even guess the origin. But as active as I was, it was easy to make up excuse about how my self harm came about. Fell out of a tree, into a bush, down some stairs. 

Each sting and glance and blood stain was a remainder of how I felt I fucked up, and screwed up my interactions with someone I cared About. I felt so responsible for having ruined things between someone and making them uncomfortable that I backed away. It hurts. The year after I was clear of her wasn’t much better emotionally. To use a metaphor, she took my lance of emotions and shoved it through my chest after emotionally crippling me. {that’d be tavros-vriska interactions}

I dented a steel pillar the 1st year after when I saw her at aCen. The first I saw her at that con, thankfully I was with someone. The second I was with some Alice in Wonderland people an something snapped in me so I elbowed the pillar. I felt terrible more that I snapped like that as I do not like violence. or people being hurt.

I had an anxiety/panic attack when I saw/talked with her at this most recent anime central)didn’t recognize her at first…cosplay) because it flooded back that year of emotional abuse. I didn’t know what to feel or think for a whole year. The harm, the low, the manipulation and being so…subdued. It hurt. It still hurts. I really started caring about her in complex ways and to just realize I was so blind to how terrible I was being treated and being used. 

It has been two years since and the memory still puts this painful feeling in my chest. A corroding feeling in my chest cavity. Like a slow drag pulling me into the core of myself through a slightly torn tarp. Junctified if you will? Like dial up modem. Static, slow, and nauseating 

I tried avoiding the word Heaven as much as I could. I still almost do. I can’t believe I wrote such poetry for her.

Now…I don’t think I can ever adequately explain this series of experiences to someone without writing it into fiction, or if you were there ate the time. So If out of this you got that I’m angry she didn’t go out with me, or something like that. Fuck off because I got hate  on here once already for writing up how I felt so much happier and safer in the Homestuck fandom after I stopped being friends with heaven and started having panic attacks and was so afraid of logging onto tumblr because of it.

I may not adequately explain how much I hurt, but hopefully you get the idea. I wrote this to clear up my thoughts about this all because I saw Gabby/Cifera writing about how Heaven is apparently now and has been scamming people with commissions.[she has a shady online presence. I think her followers made her a fake porn career on redtube from some of her more scandalous shots but thas less relevant]

That post Gabby made about Heaven scamming people with commissions makes me want to make a recap post about how terrible my life was as her “friend” and how I still have problems because of that time and it affected those around me as well.

[Tmi (Tuesday] Yousday)

Send me your tmis
Your queries
Your queers
Your questions
Your questionables
Your quests
Your quizzes
Your quantities of questions

Your life stories
Your interests
Your hobbies

tell me about yourself
Tell me about your crush
Tell me abour your friends
Tell me about your friends crush
Tell me if you are your friends crush

I had 6 hours of class today. Long day at csueb.

New friend code. New 3ds

Please add me. And message mw your fc.

Feels wierd to brush my hair 0.0

expect way more selfies now.

LOWQUALITY SELFIES ARE GOING TO BE A THING

working on this Common Core paper.

HOLY SHIT MY WEBCAM CAMERA IS PRETTY FUCKING GOOD.

AN IT WORKS!

End of the day.

At least class didnt go to 645.

Day 2 of credentials. Educational psychology.